


quiet panics

by galaxymuncher



Category: The Goldfinch (2019), The Goldfinch - Donna Tartt
Genre: Comfort, Dreams and Nightmares, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Nightmares, Past Character Death, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-20
Updated: 2019-09-20
Packaged: 2020-10-24 20:01:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20711705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/galaxymuncher/pseuds/galaxymuncher
Summary: slipping from reality, will you ever come back?





	quiet panics

From the moment he lost his whole world and his mother, he’d seen terrible visions of it every night, never the same and always changing despite the goal being the same: find mom and get to the rendezvous point.

Moving to Vegas didn’t help any with the nightmares or memories for the first few months he stayed with his father, if anything it made things worse. Every night there was always the same hazy feeling he felt as he awoke in the dead of night; hands shaking, sweat pouring down his face, eyes wide and alert yet unfocused at the same time. The world kept turning and yet, it felt like it stopped all at the same time every night, like clockwork the time was always the same whenever sleep managed to pass over him, a dark ritual that couldn’t be broken despite every effort put into leaving it all behind. And before he knew it he just stopped sleeping altogether if he could help it.

Distractions were far and few between, school, television, homework, repeat. It’s all he had and all that he could do to prevent himself from going utterly insane during the daylight hours. That was, until Boris walked into his life that one fateful day.

“Potter?”

His head shot up from the desk he’d been sleeping on with a start. He looked down at his hands, which shook violently before looking to Boris with eyes wild and confused.

“You alright? Having a good dream, ah?”

Theo knew he was joking around but he wasn’t having it today, he’d gone four nights now without proper rest and the weight from such an ordeal was suffocating enough, he crossed his arms and laid himself back down on the desk, looking forward despite the teacher not being there yet to teach the lesson.

“Fuck off, asshat”

“What?? I was only asking!! Is true is it not??? Tell me Potter, was she hot? She have big tits??? Details details!”

“I said fuck OFF, leave me alone…”

Boris simply raised his hands up, backing to his desk as a small smirk spread across his face, small chuckle escaping but Theo didn’t care. Dissociation was kicking in and his vision began to blur. The world around him went from sharp angles to soft edges to which he took off his glasses to make the effect further amplified. Everything faded out and before he knew it, the familiar DING of the end of the school day bell rang loudly in his head, triggering his tinnitus. Did he sleep through the entire lesson or did he just zone out THAT badly? He didn’t know nor did he care to find out.

“Let’s go Potter! I wanna get to your place already! Is so fucking boring in there”

“...Sure”

He cocked an eyebrow, shoving him a bit as they walked along from the bus on the way to Theo’s home, which became another, then another and another, until the both of them got into a shoving match, laughing and keeling over. The moment of tension dissipating into the air as stray punches came at one another, hair was grabbed and tugged, the usual rough housing they both were used to getting into. After a while the two settled down, slightly more bruised than before, and decided to watch some mid-afternoon television in the hopes they’d find something interesting to watch for the day instead of resorting to their usual boring channels.

“Woah! Potter! Stop there!!”

Boris suddenly jerked up to look at the screen better, making Theo jump out of his skin briefly and nearly causing him to drop the remote, lucky for him his grip was good and he managed to catch it before it slipped out to the floor fully.

“What?? What??”

“Go back one!”

“What’d you see that interested you so fucking much you decided to give me a fucking heart attack?!”

“THAT!”

Much like a child trying to show off a favorite toy of theirs, he couldn’t help but point at the screen as it changed back to the previous channel, which in turn showed a beautiful woman modeling what appeared to be a new line of bikinis for the up and coming summer, only making Theo groan with agony at the sight...the LAST thing he wanted right now was to see some suggestive material in front of him, yet the other one didn’t seem to have the same idea as he stared intently at the screen then back at him with eyes wide with wonder.

“Woah! She’s fucking HOT, Potter!”

“Yeah? And?”

“And??? Are you saying you wouldn’t want to fuck her??”

“Not really dude…”

“Ha! You are fool! I have never seen such beauty! God...I bet I’ll have some nice dreams about HER tonight! Much like that mystery lady you won’t tell me about from class today, ah?”

Another groan, he wasn’t enjoying this whatsoever. He knew that Boris could be like this whenever beautiful women were around in any sort, real or digital, so he knew there wasn’t any getting around this for right now. So, instead of suffering through all this nonsense, simply he turned himself around on the couch to face the back of it, the world slowly drifting out as the black faded in and the sound tuned out to nothing but static.

...The world that greeted him was the same as always, the smoke clogging his lungs became the first sensation he felt as he aimlessly wandered the ruins of the museum, a cough rang loudly through broken hallways, dead bodies strewn about his feet as he trudged on. Where was she? Where was her familiar blue overcoat?? She had to be around somewhere he just KNEW it, she wouldn’t leave him alone like this! All the rooms were the same now, a labyrinth which had no end. But just as he rounded the corner, he saw the long strands of familiar brown locks laying against the ground and rushed over immediately, turning her to face him before his eyes were blinded by pure white.

“Potter! Get up! Get up!”

Immediately he awoke to find himself on the ground somehow, between the coffee table and couch Theo laid there, shaking with tears streaming down his face. He looked about in panic, noticing that he was laying in Boris’ lap, his hand behind his head and gently petting his hair, the other hand holding him close.

“Wha..”

“You ok? I heard you struggling while I was watching, then before I knew it BAM! Down you were on the ground! I had no idea what happened so I decided to wake you up…”

“I...I had another fucking nightmare”

“Oh shit...I’m sorry”

“It’s fine, it’s just---they happen all the god damn time now, and I can’t fucking sleep!”

“Ah, I get those too, horrible fucking bastards, asleep one minute then the next? Awake and shaking with no fucking clue what happened...anyways, Potter, I’m going to stay the night tonight, lets get ready for bed I’m fucking exhausted”

Theo simply nodded, sitting up from his comfortable place upon Boris’ lap, quickly noticing that he had moved the coffee table out of place to get to him when he fell. It felt...oddly endearing that someone would go and do something like that instead of just leaving him there on the floor to writhe and squirm about, but now was not the time to think about such trivial things. The two stumbled upstairs, changing clothes quickly and jumping into bed, Boris curling up against Theo as they drifted off to slumber.

The static...it was in his ears again, loudly taunting him as he felt something touch his shoulder. Whipping around he saw that it was her...with her beautiful red curled locks and smile that just lit up the room, relief immediately washing over him as he reached out to touch her. Just as his fingertips reached her freckled cheeks, her image disintegrated before his eyes, leaving behind just a large pile of ash upon the ground, a scream escaping as he rushed away. This wasn’t happening! That wasn’t her, that was just some imitation! She was around here somewhere, waiting for him with her warm vibrance surely! But body after body piled up behind him as he ran, searching for her in the rubble only to be confronted by her face...twisted with pain and screaming at him to get her out of there…

He awoke to find himself sitting upward in his bed, breathing harsh, sweat dripping down his forehead. That had to be the worst nightmare yet, surely, his whole body was shaking and he felt his heart racing in his chest. As his eyes closed briefly there was the sudden sensation of warmth surrounding his torso, which he opened his eyes to find it was just Boris’ blurred arms wrapping around him, pulling him back down under the sheets and closer to his lanky form, a soft noise escaping his mouth that turned out to be a small sob.

“Boris? Hey...wake up dude”

No response, just a few more sobs and shakes that steadily grew worse, it broke his heart to see him like this...the one person he was close to, the one that was always smiling and cracking jokes was now lying here beside him, cowering and crying at whatever was harming him in his own mind. Immediately he turned himself to face the other better, grabbing him by the shoulders as he forcefully shook him a few times.

“Wake up! It’s ok! You’re having a nightmare! It’s not real!”

Eventually Theo grew desperate as he continued to squirm, why on EARTH was he not waking up tonight of all nights?? Normally at the slightest movement Boris was up in an instant, but tonight was different. It was as if his reality had sucked him in so deeply he believed that he was indeed awake...when in actuality he wasn’t, his body stopped squirming as words spilled from his lips:

“Potter...please...I don’t--stop, no! Please stop!! Don’t leave! Come back!! POTTER!!”

“BORIS!”

Eyes suddenly snapped open, arms flying upward. The yell had startled him out of his fear and shoved him forcefully back into the real world, one where he was now held down by the arms, breathing heavily as the form of someone else hovered above him, deeply concerned while also breathing deeply.

“Boris...oh thank fuck, I thought you’d NEVER wake up...are you ok?”

“Jesus fucking christ Potter, that was a uh...doozy? Is that the word?”

“Yes, doozy, that’s right---it was that bad huh?”

Boris just nodded in response, looking off to the side at his arms, still held forcefully in place, with confusion. He tried to pull them away only to be denied.

“Why are you holding me down?”

“What? Oh, shit! Sorry…”

His hands withdrew from the others, placed close to himself again. He didn’t know what he was thinking in holding them down...but for some reason it helped reassure him that he wasn’t going to hurt himself on accident. Faintly a heat came to his cheeks as his head turned away from Boris, hands fidgeting with one another as they sat there in silence, not knowing what to say or do. A minute went by...then two...and three...flying by slowly with every tick of the alarm clock sitting on the bedside table.

“Potter…?”

“Yeah?”

“Look at me”

With a blink, Theo slowly turned himself to look at the other, the flush in his cheeks increasing as he saw a hand reaching out to presumably hit him or something...but instead simply placing itself upon his cheek, it almost felt like a feather from a bird floated down from the sky to gently graze him instead of another, living beings flesh touching him, and before he could fully process it, the space was closed and a pair of lips pressed upon his own. A kiss...his first of many, it felt---not like anything he ever would’ve expected, chapped and cracked, but beautiful and delicate. The two held their place for what felt like an eternity until they separated, eyes locked on one another...though one couldn’t really make out the details, he couldn’t care less, his mind fogged over as he placed a shaky hand to the other’s cheek as well, trailing it down the jawline to the chin, leaning in once more to plant another kiss, less delicate more desperate.

“Boris…”

The first words breathed out as they broke once more, slowly falling into place upon the mattress they shared for many nights, held in an unbreakable embrace, the room seemed to disappear from their minds, it was just Theo and Boris now, nothing more, nothing less, just the way they wanted it. Another kiss, hands lazily explored around one another’s bodies, remembering intricate details, forgetting the panic of before all at once as they focused on each other. Soon, Boris broke the silence that had followed with a soft chuckle, smiling against Theo’s lips.

“Ha, Potter...is funny, I dreamed that you ran away from me, I couldn’t catch you and you kept yelling at me to fuck off---and yet here we are, and you’re not running”

“Why would I run?”

“I don’t know...would you?”

“...No, never”

“Me neither”

“It’s either, jackass”

“Oh shut up, smart ass”

“Make me then!”

“That is a challenge I can win for sure! Bring it on!”

Before a fit of laughter could erupt, another kiss came, hands coursing through his short, straight hair. Theo’s small hands traced Boris’ spine, up and down slowly, causing a shudder. This in turn made his face flush more as he realized what had happened, good lord did this have to happen tonight? There was school tomorrow and CERTAINLY he didn’t need to be kept up all night...but maybe---they could call in sick tomorrow, have a day off to rest and recuperate together, lay in bed lazily and hold one another, if he wanted to of course, and talk for hours as they always did. A smile spread upon his features briefly before he deepened the kiss, fingers hovering up to grasp gorgeous curls, a tangle of bodies like vines weaving on old castle walls, they held one another as they broke away, tension fading to exhaustion. Tonight was not the night, the fear had been too much, rest was required...but tomorrow they could try again, for Theo knew that they would both sleep safe tonight.


End file.
